Let me assure (or disappoint) you from the outset: That stupid dress will not be seen here. Don’t even ask. Have we never heard of lighting? Angles? Filters? Composition? GET OFF MY LAWN.
In no particular order, here were things that made me smile, instead of filling me with rage:
This KG and Stephon Marbury Ad From 1998
When ESPN Mag started publishing, I was 13 and a huge baseball fan and my stepdad got us a subscription. I do not remember this promo from back then. Several things are immediately striking: does Stephon Marbury look like Nas, to you, too? GODDAMN, KG IS FINE. Marbury had a legit career before the Knicks and before Starburys? And that legit career was with the Timberwolves? I was all kinds of perplexed, and then I realized what was happening. I didn’t laugh out loud at “Tasteful nudes,” but at Marbury’s “yeeah” with that little nod it was all I could do to breathe for the laughter. M does that same “yeeah,” though she insists it didn’t come from him, and also HE LOOKS LIKE NAS. And that wink. That KG wink that isn’t quite as “come hither” as it is a businesslike “now you get it, girl.” It’s very clear that if ever I were to meet him in person–and he wasn’t a total dick, as I fear from stories–I’d probably be rendered mute and then would simply melt, mouth first, like a real-life The Scream.
The Beyhive Swarming Kid Rock’s Instagram
Because every song Kid Rock named in his dissent of the Queen’s greatness was one by an old white dude, or a group of them which is unsurprising but also fucking irritating. Kid Rock clearly just prefers the southerny, twangy stylings of white dudes who play a certain kind of music, and his own shitty tunes. And, okay, “Purple Rain.” Like a good and cranky wannabe southerner (let’s recall he’s from Detroit, please), he also likes his women with the old white twang to them: skinny, blonde and well-endowed in the chest area. Well, good luck and good day, sir, the Hive has spoken. I hope bee emoji just randomly appear in his life forever after. I can dig some “Sweet Home Alabama,” and get down with some “Old Time Rock and Roll.” But don’t try to tell me “Single Ladies” isn’t as good. Also, since we’re here: Fuck you dude, you made “Bawitdaba,” which isn’t even a real word. Which was worse, that or “Cowboy”? Or whatever that song of the summer was a few years ago that sampled Skynard and then went on to disappoint you when it turned out to be Kid Rock? Yeah? You can opine on music and art and shit? STFU and GTFO.
This Harry Potter Wardrobe Quiz
I missed one–I’m not telling which–but was wondering why the rest of the quiz was so easy when Buzzfeed deemed it “so hard.” Probably because I’ve seen almost every movie 2128736538749 times, which I’m not exactly proud of, but…it did help me ace this quiz, so…
The NYT Slang Quiz
I’m kind of a vocabulary monster. If you don’t know, now you know. Meaning: I ingest words and use them where they sound good in my head, not necessarily to be pretentious, but because it makes the most sense to me. Sometimes all I can think of is that 5 dollar word, and not the one that will suffice and only cost 75 cents. But I also code switch and am fairly adept at it. 9/12 on this quiz isn’t, obviously, the best–but some of the more obvious slang I missed. Joggers? For “sweatpants?” First of all, sweatpants are ugly and shouldn’t be worn outside EVER, and this skinny sweatpants trend makes me want to retch continuously every time I see them. They’re disgusting, and I don’t want to see that much of a dude unless I’m actively and willingly engaging in sexy times with him. Anyway, slang. I have no idea from whence I pick it up. Undoubtedly, the internet, though M is online just as much as I am and sometimes my slang game is more on fleek than hers. Even the teen I mentor isn’t up on it half the time. Still, it was fun to see what’s out there and already getting old and what sort of linguistic foolishness we’re in for next.
This guy, Adrian Martinez!
You might remember him from such things as The State Farm Commercials with Aaron Rodgers. I’ve known Adrian since he was in My Favorite Show Ever at The Public Theater in 2005 (directed by Phillip Seymour Hoffman), and it’s been a true delight to follow his career and see him getting more exposure. He’s a nice guy, he’s hilarious, and he’s very talented, and he totally deserves these spotlights. After seeing him in Judas, we caught him later that summer in a wacky, darkish indie called Mail Order Wife, and our adoration was cemented. Plus, as a Packer fan, it’s amaaaaaazing to 1), count him among fellow fans, and 2) tell people that I know the guy in that commercial. I haven’t worked up the guts to ask him if he’d sign a copy of a picture of him and Aaron–for My Dad, The Viking Fan–but someday maybe someday it’ll come up naturally in conversation.
Bonus: Ice on the Hudson
Only in the last two years have I seen huge chunks of ice making their way down the Hudson and I’ve been in this city for almost 13 years. I’ve worked at one of those buildings in the photo for the last seven. It’s completely surreal, and beautiful, and treacherous! How do the ferries avoid a fate like that of the Titanic?! ROSE WILL NEVER LET GO, JACK. But really the reason this is here is because I spotted a typo in the caption that still remains. “Ice flows pass through New York Harbor?” Try “floes.” Homophones. *drops mic*