My instinct is still to call my grandma to clarify points about our family history. Did her great-great grandfather settle his farm in the late 1800s? If his first daughter was born in 1916, that hardly seems correct.

Every time I remember I can no longer check with her, it’s as though someone has punched me directly in the chest.

The worst part about having an easily-raised temper is that you feel betrayed by your own feelings. I’m almost never sure when I’m actually angry about something because for every 4 times I’m justified, there are at least another two that I’m being irrational.

It feels like I’m being sabotaged by my own brain.

The good thing is that since I’m so hollow and achy about my grandma, whenever my ex’s face tumbles through my timeline, what once registered as abject panic and pain now is just a resigned numbness.

2016 sucks and I’d like my money back, please.

 

I have been prepared for heart problems. I have steeled myself for news of sudden heart attacks, and/or of the slow loss of the ability to breathe under a heart literally turning to chalk.

This most recent phone call, to tell me of the masses growing in her lungs — this I am not prepared for.